Not "the one".

21 July - On again.

24 July - Off again.

Re-writing this entry again. Last night's attempted entry started off pretty bad. I needed to write to seek a resolution and closure for myself - not to destroy him. In writing about what had actually happened, I didn't want anyone to be posting comments blasting him either, though frankly, there would be enough cause to. Writing is about coming to terms with what has happened, and keeping everything in perspective.

It's been hard trying to reconcile the face of who I know in my heart as a wonderful, wonderful person and that of a cad who has hurt me so very deeply with his cheating and lies - because then I ask myself: Have I been loving the wrong person? Has my love been real? Present tense - for someone I still love, warts and all.

Had a mild panic attack as I tried to go to sleep last night. The force washed over me, unrelenting, smothering me with the meaninglessness of life, and I had to gasp for breath, crying in the dark. Have never felt more alone.

Woke up even earlier today. It's like being tortured with more waking hours than I can cope with, struggling through longer days.

- - - - - - - - - -

I had given it my last shot. Even as I made the 20 July entry, my heart screamed its protest: Was I ready to see true love exit from my life? Was my 20 July entry a mistake? So we got back on 21 July, and broke up on 24 July. Because it was those 2 days in-between that he finally told me the truth and I realised it wouldn't work out - not for me, at least.

I had to know: he said I was not "the one" because he had "no basis for comparison". That he is unsure, and hence not willing to commit, is enough of an answer for me. Like I said before, you "know it", or you don't; and you choose to commit to that knowledge, or you don't. Strangely, he seemed a little taken aback when I broke it off - I asked him whether he thought I would have gotten back with him and still allowed him the space to make more "comparisons"; at best, he would finally realise or simply settle for me as "the one"; at worse, that I was not "the one", but hey, thank you for the ride.

That was the answer I really needed: I am not "the one". I can live with that, though the heartbreak and pain certainly isn't any lesser.

I was quite ready to forgive his cheating, even after I realised how he had lied and chosen to continue cheating and let it go beyond holding hands, and how he had chosen to cut me so deeply. But I cannot live with how he is coming to terms with it himself.

He wouldn't even admit that he had cheated, or lied to me. "What you don't know can't hurt you." Did he really think it was not cheating? He had drawn the line at sex. Is anything before that then OK? Perhaps, he really thought I would have forgiven him as long as he had not slept with her. Is that why he had "cheated" because he knew I would forgive him? Was that his fail-save plan?

Perhaps the other question would be: Would he have been as "understanding" if I was the one who had cheated for the very same reasons that he did? Or does he have double standards?

He had accused me of not being able to forgive him because I could never learn to trust him again. Perhaps. But it sure doesn't help when you tell someone "What you don't know can't hurt you." And it doesn't help when he can't even come to terms with the reality of his actions, and he was so unwilling to apologise for it. If he actually thought there was nothing wrong with that, what's to stop him from doing it again? He wants me to just forget. I forgive, but I never forget. Forgiving gives me the resolution to come to terms with what has happened. Forgetting doesn't.

He kept going on about my temper and the 10-day silent treatment that "started" it all. But just as nothing justifies my temper tantrums (and God knows just how much I wish I could undo everything), nothing justifies his cheating. Just as I've hurt him with all my nasty tantrums, he's hurt me (even more so - I feel) when he cheated. He said he knew this - I don't know if he meant it, after all the initial denials. Maybe he's still coming to terms with it - and perhaps, with what he is.

We all have to come to terms with our flaws and choices in life.

I suppose eventually we arrived at some kind of resolution: We would have to come to terms with what we have done. And we would remain friends, for our own reasons.